diarycv

One of the earliest forms of ponderment. Which I have no clue is a word but, to me, it means a moment in where I try and place memories to certain future tragedies as a link. Then blame it on society as a whole and, not myself and then move on. That is "ponderment".

Okay, the picture above began a whole theme in my mind while at Lawndale. Life in that place was a real shithole and between medication, we had an organized function called "recess". Playtime for mentally skewed children which usually manifested in distractions. I shunned the group activities and sat at one of the tables and read. The common books there, were "Dick and Jane" books. It was a depressing book that reflected happiness with robotic sentence structures like. "Come, Dick. Come and see. Come, Come. Come and see. Come and see Spot. "

It had a picture of two kids, with strange demented smiles running towards a dog sniffing something along a bush. This isn't a good thing to repeat in a place like Lawndale, with your dick in your hand. It began a long series of intravenous therapy that ended halfway through puberty. Not to wander off but, I noticed the Institute received a new shipment of Dick and Jane books for us fans to read. Truthfully, I say new but actually they were old, rejects from elementary schools, who I guess decided to instill reality in school curiculum. So a new batch of books, I was curious to see, what it was that Spot sniffed in the bush. I was disappointed to find out that the issue was never found but later told to me as "a bird". Killed everything for me.

Anyway, the new issues introduced this black family. Mike and his twin sisters, Pam and Penny. They moved into the neighborhood and instantly it was a smash. They wore nice clothes, had family activities and hung out with Dick and Jane's family. I showed it to one of the orderlies who was scowling in the corner and, he laughed.

"Those folks are Uncle Tom's. If a family of niggers moved into a white neighborhood, they would burn a cross in his yard. White folks would sell there houses before the value dropped and buy a burglar alarm until it sold." I had no idea what he was talking about at the time.

The ponderment was the book never preached happiness as it was intended. It just always appeared phony but in hindsight it did teach me something. That living "right" was always centered toward youth and, the understanding that it never existed is the one pill, nobody in their old age can stomach. And the one wearing the biggest smile is the phoniest of them all, and in the end, leave you in total decay.

I stole that book and it remains in my possession. I sit and close my eyes, real hard and pretend I just moved in next to Mike, Penny and Pam. I'm the new kid, fat, depressed with oily skin and battling puberty. I sit at the table and eat fried chicken, collards, blackeyed peas and cornbread. We have a puppet show after supper while their Mom and Dad watch from a distance and smile. They ask me about my parents and, I lie. "They got hit by a train."

They ask me to stay with them. I do and we live happily ever after. Dick and Jane come over and Mike whispers in my ear. "I'm going to get me some of that white meat."

I laugh. He laughs. Dick asks. "Why is Mike laughing? Mike is laughing. See Mike laugh. What is funny?"

"You honkey. Now give us your money or we gonna kick your ass." Mike says.

I laugh as we empty Dick's wallet.

"Let's get us some forties." I say.

So we go to the liquor store. "See us go. Go to the liquor store. See, See. See us go."